the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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