WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
