Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
that's an acceptable place to lick
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
