I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
