she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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