i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
