My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
