we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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