you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
