She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
