Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
a search helicopter?!
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
