Hey man sorry I got all grabby
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
