Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
