My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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