So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
