a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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