I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
