Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
