Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
