I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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