He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
