I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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