I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
