I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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