Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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