i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
