he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
