I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
