Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
