Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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