I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
