My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
