I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
