fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
