woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
