i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
