she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
