I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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