he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
