this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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