So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
