your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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