i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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