I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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