I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
