at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
