I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
