Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
