One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
