Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
