I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
